I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
