Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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