Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
