when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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