yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I fill condoms, not promises.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
