I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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