Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If I had your ass I would rule the world
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
