I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
