my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
