someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
