Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
