I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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