guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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