My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we're chasing vodka with high fives
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
