she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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