i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
