mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
