I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
