Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
