you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
