I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
