my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
