Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
