Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
