Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
