he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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