Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
