I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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