Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
