It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
