Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
