Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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