When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
