epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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