I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
worst night to have a conscience
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
