I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
