I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
