New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
