dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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