The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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