I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
