So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
