i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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