Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
