I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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