I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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