did you get engaged???
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
