now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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