Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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