life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
